雨 夜

昨天结束了为期三天的培训,终于可以放假了,下周二便要上班.长达三个月的假期于是就要终结.毕业回家后终日恍惚的日子里,什么也不做什么也不想,也无悲伤也无喜悦,淡的可怕.终于下午的时候神经质般想要整理书本.将自己几近半个房间的知识做个清理.

窗底下清出三大箱子书,书柜清出两排,衣柜底下全部清除,顶柜消灭一摞.这已经是第4次这种大规模清扫了.

(窗底下出来的……原来我一直躺在书上……）

一直很犹豫，哪些书该清理哪些该留这，其实凡是这些已经被塞到窗底下的书，也许下辈子都不会再挖出来看了。却都是些教材什么的，扔了觉得可惜，留着实在与我晚上睡觉争夺氧气。满目尽是些当年的宝贝，不少笔记试卷，课本教辅，还有上课偷偷干的一些坏事。还有很多书籍都是全新的，也不知道当初买来做什么，还挺贵。还看到了当年初中和三中的一些校刊，居然还有自己的文章和同学的文章。这些回忆很模糊，但是摸到的时候却变的非常清晰。还能时不时的看到些小情书小手艺什么的。真是苦中作乐，充实美好的往昔。

父亲下手狠多了，他清出来的书大多是他电大的课本，都簇簇新的，他说以后也不看了，就都扔了出来，还有很多教材备课的资料和一些行政类课程。其实还不乏一些上了年纪的书，譬如黄埔军校史料之类，我随手翻翻，觉得扔不得，便又放回了书架。

镇的舍不得却辨不清的是些日记和作文之类，当时初中写作也算小牛，纯意识流。很多东西现在自己看看都觉得很惊讶。也多亏陈老师的一直鼓励和赞许，离开她之后却慢慢条条框框起来，缺了不少生动。

练习是最好扔的，眉头都不皱一下，最鸡肋的莫过于教材。明知道不去看，却坚持着要留下来。其实价值，在我看来还不如那些笔记，只不过更工整一些，更象一本书罢了。

父亲还发现了我不少小人书，漫画。龙珠啊拳皇什么的。以前我定是怕不得，现在倒也能开玩笑的跟他说，当年初中蹲厕所的时候，上面佯装放本语文书，下面边蹲边看，还被执勤的老师逮了个正着。扔了，都翻烂了。

还有类似掌机迷，电玩通，数码世界之类的消遣书，还因为写过回函，中过一台PSP，当然，一个月3，4本的买，最后大大影响了我的学业。这是后话，很多东西都是这样顺水顺舟而来，后悔不得，那时也是乐在其中。这些书里大多有一些小物件小海报。见的最多的就是皮卡丘啦

  再往下翻，便是更舍不得的回忆。晕倒，居然找到好几本奥特曼。小学那时候20多块一本很不得了啊，我有好多。我最喜欢赛文奥特曼，虽然矮了点，我记得好像40多米……

还有很多小学时候玩的四驱车，零件都有好几盒，记得马达都是自己绕的，再买个铷硼磁钢，卧槽，很轻松就拿到萧山区一等奖了。稍微扔了一些，反正也不卖钱，舍不得。车都挺好看的。好像船啊，飞机模型什么的在上上次清扫中因为太占地方被提前清理了……

光盘什么的就直接扔了。要什么，现在网上都可以下。我妈后来说，扔的都是钱。我现在想想也是，但是那时候就觉得非买不可。

后来装了5个大麻袋，粗粗的估一下，要有200多斤吧。我跟父亲算了算，堆在这里的，起码也得要1万买。我有时候想，这倒不是钱的问题。

父亲上楼下楼了好几趟，终于背完了所有的书，傍晚的时候母亲跟我说卖了86.5。本也没想靠这个横财一笔，默默的接受了。

如同前些日子换手机号码一般，很多模模糊糊的记忆，这回便很清楚的被删除了。最近麻木，发不出感慨。只是觉得一个时代过去了。

再见，小波。

It's really a hard time for me , though it was said that the most thing one university student like to do is crying for nothing.

Three days ago, i've finished my joy as a assistant teacher of my father's students. i've destroyed our motherland's flowers for almost 4 years since i've done my job in senior middle school, that's a joke, anyway, kids are funny, they are just children. now, i'm not child anymore. i should take responsiblity as a man do. i lost my life, and should pull myself into the surviving war.

What is life, a bitch, a whore, waiting for bring fucked, she's not pure anymore since she's an adult, our life has been gone, no pure, dirty. so much things to take, to suffer.

My family keep on talking about others' boys or girls who has just gotta a nice job since i be at home in the vacation, i know they were worry about my life, my future. but the only thing i've felt is pain. i lost almost all of my confidence.

Eric was back from india, there are finally some difference between us, his job is finding his dream, my dream is finding a job.

Then i saw an old friend drove a CTS cross the street.

Then i heard two of my friends quarrelled with each other and even cut off friendship only because of 200RMB.

Then i howled to my dad, because he alway rails me for nothing.

Then my mum should have an operation of her foot, and shut down her shop for quit a while, means i should keep it work with my dad.

Always something changed me. that's the enviroment, we chould change nothing but ourselves.

Now, what could i say, stop fucking my life! god damn! or, come on, i've done, just let it go, all what i need is live. all what i should pursue in the future is surviving.

What should i do?

A farewell to my life, say hello to live.

    I began to teach the pupils today as what i did in last 3 summer vocations. at the  end of today,i wanna say, they just tortured me to death....

    All right, look what we got here this summer,18 puipls from grade 3 to grade 4. tomorrow i'll have more than 10 grade 5 & 6...christ. they were so noisy that i even went to deaf. they were much more energetic than whom i tought last semester. i cann't just describe them like, humm~they are so  lovely~NO! they are terrorists! they grabbed last of my energe, when i said class is dismissed, i really felt i was saved~

    Anyway, i have to face tomorrow, which should not be so disgraced as today what i did after the class----i lost my consciousness in my bed at 4P.M just after the kids' leaving.I had a big nap, yep, too tired with those little devils.

    That, i should damn Mr.cai ,Cai Mingde,who said children are easy to be treated. NO! they are clever, much clever than you think, basically, you'd better have more ideas to let them believe, you are the one.

     i'd better have more special lies, your kids~see what you can have tomorrow~

上星期小丸子介绍的家教，今天去做了，虽然曾经有大学里不做家教的前言，现在想来，无非是想弥补下自己的空虚。

发现现在的初中的孩子需要承受更多学业的压力。难度高了，试卷都花花的，熬过了那段艰难的岁月，其实发现身体和心理的压迫贯穿了作为学子的一生。

晚上被留下来吃了饭，并被要求一起与超去市场买菜。转了一圈，发现真的罕有自己能下手的东西。

孔先生很健谈，不愧在商界穿行多年，谈资相当丰富。

明早还要去一趟，貌似不能赖床了，恩~有压力了~